What is re-parenting?
Re-parenting is the beautiful act of giving yourself the love and care you may not have received as a child. In many ways, re-parenting is the process of becoming the adult person your childhood self always needed and wanted. Anytime you draw conscious awareness to the hurt inner child inside of you, attend to those long-ago, unmet needs, and take responsibility for your inner child, you are re-parenting yourself. Re-parenting is a powerful way to heal your inner child’s wounds, break any unhealthy cycles of parenting that came before you, and pass on a new, mindful legacy to your children.
Learn more: 5 Steps for healing your inner child: What parents need to know
Parenting vs Re-parenting
What is the difference between parenting and re-parenting?
Whereas parenting is the way in which we love, nurture, and raise our children, re-parenting is the way in which we consciously attend to, love, and nurture the inner child inside of us.
Do I need re-parenting?
Regardless of whether or not you had a chaotic childhood, traumatic upbringing, or an Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE), most of us generally did not consistently receive all the various different forms of nurturing we needed from our parents. There are many reasons why childhood needs might go unmet, and having a hurt inner child is not necessarily an indication of faulty parenting. Even if you had wonderful, loving parents who gave you a happy childhood, chances are there were still moments in your childhood when your emotional needs went unmet.
How do I know if I have a wounded inner child?
Even if you look back and think, “My childhood wasn’t that bad,” it’s good to remember that at the time you were a child, you did not have the adult perspective you do today. Today, as an adult, you might not think what you went through as a child was a big deal, but from a child’s perspective, the unmet need might have been a huge deal.
The goal of re-parenting is not to throw the parents before us under the bus. Most likely, if your parents did not give you what you needed, it was the result of their own childhood experience with their own parents. The fact is that before we can offer or teach things like emotional regulation and compassion to our children, we need to first offer these things to ourselves. We are unable to give to others what we don’t have for ourselves.
How do I re-parent myself?
You can re-parent yourself by attending to the needs of your inner child - either through inner child work or through therapeutic re-parenting techniques.
How to re-parent yourself
Here are 7 ways to re-parent your inner child.
1. Acknowledge your inner child.
Becoming conscious of the inner child is the first step to re-parenting yourself. Re-parenting yourself always begins with identifying the child-like spirit within you.
2. Draw a distinction between the different parts of who you are.
Many parents find it helpful to compartmentalize their emotions by identifying which feelings belong to them, the adult, and which feelings belong to their inner child.
3. Cultivate self-trust. Keep the promises you make to yourself.
Unmet promises are a very common childhood wound. You can heal from the pain of unmet promises by showing up for yourself and being the reliable adult you always wanted, needed, and deserved.
4. Establish structure and accountability for yourself.
In the same way children need structure and guidance, acknowledging the part of who you are that also needs structure and accountability can be very nurturing. Examples of structural re-parenting may include breaking unhealthy habits, forming healthy habits, establishing boundaries, participating in therapy or coaching, taking care of your health, getting enough sleep, etc.
5. Nurture yourself.
Your inner child needs nurturing the same way any other child needs care and attention. There are many ways to nurture yourself, such as practicing self-care, eating nutritious foods, staying physically active, spending time in nature, enjoying fun activities, and taking mental breaks. One of the most powerful ways you can nurture yourself is by playing. Children need playtime for optimal cognitive development, and chances are, your inner child could use some playtime, too.
Discover your play personality here.
6. Learn how to emotionally regulate your nervous system.
Regulating the nervous system is not instinctive knowledge, and children do not intuitively know how to self-regulate. They must be taught. If your inner child never learned emotional regulation, then chances are you might be living in reactive, fight-or-flight mode. Becoming proficient at emotionally regulating yourself may require some professional support as you unlearn dysregulated habits and relearn healthier ones. Wherever you are on your inner child journey, patience, self-acceptance, and therapeutic breathwork can make a huge difference.
7. Invite your inner child on your parenting journey.
Many parents report feeling complex emotions surrounding the childhood they are giving to their children. Especially for parents who may not have received the healthiest or happiest childhood, it’s normal for parenthood to trigger a sense of injustice. They may feel as if they were deprived as a child, and the injustice of that deprivation can trigger feelings of grief, jealousy, and even depression. These are very real emotions, and they likely belong to the inner child. I hope you’ll honor your inner child’s very real experience, and offer your inner child the self-acceptance, inclusion, and nurture they always craved by allowing them to join you – the adult you – on the beautiful, safe, play-filled adventure you’re giving to your other children.
Playful Re-Parenting
The way you parent can be a beautiful gift you give not just to your children but to yourself as well. Many modern-day parents are re-parenting their inner child right alongside their children by allowing themselves to enjoy the playful aspects of parenting.
For many parents, playful parenting may not come naturally. There are some parents who would love to be more playful with their children, but the truth is they don’t know how. If that sounds like you, then please know you are not alone, and there are so many parenting resources available. Playfulness can absolutely be taught, and it is so much fun to learn.
Check out our Parenting Playfully 101 Course and our Play Therapy Skills for Parents Program.
Parenting can sometimes bring up traumatic memories and feelings of grief and loss from missed opportunities in your own childhood. If you wanted a safe, secure, playful parent, you can still have one. You can become that parent – both for yourself and also for your children.
While it might not be easy to think about seeing a therapist or counselor, it’s often the best way to get support. Connect with a therapist and get help today.
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