Between all the responsibilities mothers typically juggle, it is not uncommon for moms to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. Especially for mothers who deal with anxiety, the constant weight of expectations can leave them feeling overwhelmed and burned out. One of the best ways to manage anxiety and the countless demands the world imposes is to establish and uphold boundaries.
What is a boundary?
A boundary is a self-enforced limit that is specifically unique to the individual who sets it. There are six primary types of boundaries: physical, emotional, communication, mental, time, and sexual.
Boundaries are personal and need not require external validation or justification. Each person decides what is an appropriate boundary for themselves. For instance, some people like hugs from friends and some do not. When boundaries are enforced, they function as an act of preservation and protection. Boundaries are used to both communicate and demonstrate how someone expects to be treated and what will or will not be tolerated.
What relationships require boundaries?
Limits and boundaries can vary based on person, situation, and relationship, but no one is excluded. Your spouse, partner, children, boss, coworkers, extended family, friends, and all other relationships require boundaries. In fact, boundaries are a key ingredient to authentic and healthy relationships.
Why are boundaries necessary?
Boundaries are necessary because you have your own values (parenting, work, volunteerism, etc.) and finite energy levels, and as such, you have to decide how much energy to allocate to each value. It’s impossible to be everything to everyone all the time, so you must decide what you will be and to whom. Your energy, attention, and time is sacred and also limited, and the best way to protect your mom-power and manage your anxiety is with boundaries.
Lack of boundaries creates anxiety.
Boundaries and anxiety are closely interconnected. Too often, anxiety is the result of a lack of upheld boundaries. Boundaries define what a mother will or will not allow, and because of that, boundaries are also an expression of personal values. For instance, one mom may be okay with a child eating in the living room in front of the television, and another mom may want children always eating in the kitchen at the table. When boundaries do not exist, it can be very hard to assertively prioritize your values, and when values are not prioritized, anxiety often occurs. By establishing, communicating, and upholding boundaries, you can stay true to your values and minimize anxiety.
Your boundaries will not be the same as someone else’s boundaries.
Resist the tendency to compare, and avoid allowing the expectations and boundaries of others to dictate your boundaries. For moms with anxiety, it can be easy to fall into a habit of people pleasing, but you don’t need to feel guilty for saying “no” when you know that saying “yes” will lead to resentment or burn out.
If you often say “yes” quickly, learn to pause, take a breath, and say something like, “let me get back to you on that.” This gives you time to think about whether or not this request is something you really want to do and/or fits within your values and priorities.
Let go of the “shoulds.”
Expectations can be real or perceived, meaning something someone actually asks of you (real) or something you think people expect or want (perceived). A lot of moms carry around a list of assumed expectations or standards, that are often unrealistic and create anxious thoughts. These self-imposed expectations become “shoulds” in their heads-I should fix my child’s lunch every day, I should volunteer once a month at my child’s school…I should sweep the floor every morning. Not living up to these “shoulds” day after day, serves to increase self-judgment, shame and anxiety.
Boundaries come with consequences.
Kids and teens are always testing limits…it’s their job! This is how they grow and develop skills, including independence, respect, and boundaries. So, when we set boundaries for our children, it’s important that we be consistent as parent’s in enforcing them. When children disregard boundaries, there needs to be consequences, otherwise the boundary will continue to be broken.
Consequences for boundaries teaches our children(and adults) what behavior is or is not acceptable. Without a consequence, a broken boundary grants permission for the lack of respect to continue. Consequences can vary based on the relationship, the issue, and in case of a child, the their developmental age.. For example, a school age may have a favorite toy withheld for two days for speaking disrespectfully. A teen may be grounded for missing curfew. But a friend who has consistently taken advantage of you may lose your friendship. A company may lose your employment, and a spouse may lose your trust.
How to “say no” and uphold your boundary respectfully.
A child’s cognitive development continues to grow beyond the teen years. They tend to be impulsive and egocentric, and thus need pre-teaching about rules and consequences, as well as constant reminders that their choices matter and boundaries will be enforced.
Unfortunately, adults need reminders to respect boundaries as well. Many do not have adequate self-awareness and may be completely oblivious to the energy their conversation, relationship, issue, or favor requires of you. Their unintentional ignorance is not your responsibility. What is your responsibility is communicating your limits and respectfully enforcing that people adapt to what you will or will not tolerate. Upholding a boundary is different than explaining a boundary. While providing rationale is acceptable within intimate and very close relationships, you don’t typically need to justify or explain your boundary to others.
Here are some examples of ways to respectfully communicate boundaries:
If you have developed a habit or pattern of prioritizing others’ needs before your own, then setting a boundary may feel strange at first, and people (especially children) may push back the first time you say “no.” Remain steadfast. Do not allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into doing something you know you don’t have the bandwidth to do.
Remember, boundaries are a way to reduce the stress that causes anxiety, so don’t be afraid to set them with your children and other adults!
Do you need support?
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