Parents often worry about how their kids are going to turn out. They worry that they've blown it, especially on days when they are short-tempered, their kids complain that they never play with them anymore, they're afraid they are on their screens too much, or maybe they even forget to hug them that day!
Are you a good enough parent?
That is a horrible question, isn’t it? But the sad truth is that so many parents ask themselves that question, ALL-The-Time!
We live in a society highly influenced by comparisons. Everywhere we turn, we see social media posts about what others are doing or not doing. This leads to many parents struggling with how they think they measure up to others, and feeling scrutinized, compared to, and judged by others (and themselves) in their quest to become the Perfect Parent.
What is the “Perfect Parent Syndrome?”
The drive to be the greatest parent while portraying our family as “having it all together,” has created what some call the “Perfect Parent Syndrome.” Even with good intentions, this unrealistic expectation to be the best at all things mom, oftentimes rooted in mom’s own anxiety, may have unintended consequences for the whole family. Many kids are in too many after-school activities. This may create financial strain on some families, as well as anxiety for moms who are already stretched too thin. Families find themselves constantly on the go, with less opportunities to eat a family meal together and connect each day, less family time that doesn’t involve being in the car, no time for unstructured play for children, and more chaos in the home environment, with kids and parents juggling schedules, homework, uniforms, birthday parties, and more. This can also put a strain on marriages, especially when one spouse feels differently about the family’s priorities. The “Perfect Parent Syndrome” puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on parents to host just the right birthday parties, throw picture perfect holidays, and take flawless family pictures.
Behind all the many activities and above-and-beyond moments, parents feel anxiety, and that fear-based worry is the telltale symptom of the “Perfect Parent Syndrome.” The anxiety that the “Perfect Parent Syndrome” provokes starts a spiraling cycle of fear, anxiety, guilt, and second guessing that interferes with a parent’s ability to be fully present and mindful as they go throughout their day. Instead, they are focused on the never-ending “to do list” and are likely exhausted physically and mentally. If the cycle is not broken, the anxiety that the “Perfect Parent Syndrome” causes can increasingly threaten the relationship between the parent and their child and/or between spouses.
The “Perfect Parent Syndrome” is an exhausting (and completely fake) ideal where a parent measures and compares their parenting skills along with the behavior and accomplishments of their children to the unreasonably high and subjective standard of perfection. The “Perfect Parent Syndrome” is a setup for failure, disappointment, and anxiety. Unfortunately, it is reinforced by social media, but social media is rarely authentic and is never the full picture. Social media perpetuates this idea of perfection in parenting, and as a result anxious moms feel an even greater sense of fear and failure.
Parenting and social media: the highlight reel is not real.
There are few things more disheartening than scrolling through social media after a challenging day of parenting and seeing the picture-perfect highlight reel of a fellow parent’s life. Social Media triggers comparisons in many psychologically destructive ways, and for parents who are trying to be perfect parents, the anxiety that results from indulging the “Perfect Parent Syndrome” can be exhausting and severely self-destructive.
Social media is nothing more than carefully curated and filtered snapshots of a person’s life that the poster has selected to project for the world to see. While social media has its place and can be very helpful, as well as fun, mothers who struggle with perfectionism must remember that there is a dark side to social media. The curated content on social media is most often a projection of a reality that is not real. We don’t know what may be going on behind the scenes of a particular photo. The true reality is that no parent is perfect or has it all figured out.
Am I a “good enough” parent?
Guess what! There is a legitimate answer to that question. A “perfect parent” does not exist, but it turns out a “good enough” parent does. Research shows that you do not have to be a perfect parent. Mother’s just need to be “good enough” for their children to do well.
So how do we know? There’s actually research behind this.
What is a “good enough” parent?
In his highly acclaimed book, Playing and Reality, British psychoanalyst and pediatrician D.W. Winnicott presented the concept of a “good enough” Mother. Winnicott’s research indicated that mothers did not need to strive for perfection or have idealistic expectations for her children in order to successfully raise them. Being a perfect Mother 100% of the time to children who are perfect 100% of the time is not possible, but as it turns out, meeting your child’s needs at least 33% of your time is good enough and sufficient.
The one-third rule: 33%
Winnicott’s research on the good enough parent stipulated that a good enough parent’s efforts, successes, and failures could be divided up into thirds. In other words, good enough parents are…
Tips for moms overcoming the Perfect Parent Syndrome and becoming a Good Enough parent:
Being a “good enough” mom does NOT mean you should stop trying and give up. What it does mean is that it is in your entire family’s best interest to abolish the “Perfect Parent Syndrome.” Countless studies have proven that parents who are worried about what other parents think of their parenting skills were less likely to be confident in their ability to parent effectively. Additionally, research has indicated that people who cope with perfectionism will also suffer from intense anxiety and have a poor sense of self-worth. And, oftentimes, parents who have unreasonable expectations for themselves and/or their children can cultivate this same unhealthy characteristic in their child(ren).
As you work to heal from the Perfect Parent Syndrome, here are some tips:
1. Release yourself from the paralyzing power of fear.
One mommy mistake will NOT ruin everything. Break free from catastrophizing, magnifying, and all-or-nothing thinking, which are common anxiety markers.
2. Take breaks from social media.
Combining parenting and social media is not always a good thing, and too much scrolling is not good for your anxiety.
3. Choose quality over quantity.
You do not need to sign up for every activity, opportunity, or social gathering, even if your child asks for it. Model healthy boundary setting for your child.
4. Avoid allowing your mind to criticize and judge other parents and comparing yourself to other moms.
This only perpetuates the anxiety and the damaging cycle. Most people are doing the best they can, yourself included. Find ways to encourage other moms.
5. Be confident in your ability to be a "good enough" parent.
By refusing the perfect parent measurement of success, you can show your children by example that perfection is not a requirement of love and acceptance. You can demonstrate the truth that there is power in knowing and accepting your limitations.
6. Know when to ask for help.
You do not have to figure out everything by yourself. Include your children in planning and prioritizing activities. Teach them how to do chores appropriate for their developmental age and abilities. Enlist the support of your partner, spouse, or extended family. If paying for support is an option for your family, allocate some of your budget to hiring a childcare provider and/or a cleaning service based on what you can afford. Have groceries delivered instead of getting them yourself.
Do you struggle with worry from trying to be a perfect Mom?
You don’t have to do this alone!
Find Support today!
If you’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed by a never-ending loop of worry, parent counseling can help by learning how to control unhelpful and intrusive thoughts, build your confidence, and pave the pathway to relief.
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