There is a reason why January is collectively considered the most stressful month of the year: New Year’s resolutions. New Year’s resolutions are not inherently bad. In fact, they have the potential to motivate us to make new habits that can positively impact our mental, emotional, and physical health. Unfortunately, excessive pressure to perform our resolutions flawlessly can quickly spiral, and as it turns out there are many damaging and unhealthy ways to pursue “healthy” New Year’s resolutions.
New Year’s resolutions often trigger perfectionism, and perfectionism can lead to a host of paralyzing problems such as anxiety, stress, procrastination, and negative self-talk. If you are seeking to make positive changes in your life through uplifting resolutions, then resist perfectionism and only make mindful New Year’s resolutions.
How to make mindful New Year’s resolutions
A mindful New Year’s resolution is any goal that is compassionately made with progress (and not perfection) as the measure of success. Perfectionism is ultimately paralyzing and does not even exist. In the words of Brené Brown, “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame. Perfectionism is not only impossible, but it doesn’t actually buffer us from the hard things in life.”
Progress, and not perfection, is the secret to keeping a healthy mindset and achieving your mindful New Year’s resolutions.
When it comes to time, capability, and will-power, everyone’s threshold for accomplishments will be different, which means only YOU can determine how progress towards your New Year’s resolutions will be defined. Only YOU will be able to conclude what effort is reasonable and sustainable, and the best way to define that progress parameter is with self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
To understand what self-compassion is it is helpful to start with what self-compassion is not. Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity, self-indulgence, or self-esteem, and nor is self-compassion an excuse or an avoidance of responsibility. Self-compassion is not a reactive causal response, but rather it is a mindful approach that responds to difficult moments with the internal question of: what is it that I need right now? Not what impulse do I want to justify indulging, or what behavior do I want to excuse or blame on someone else. Sometimes what is needed is a splurge, forgiveness, grace, accountability, accommodation, self-validation, or encouragement to keep trying.
Self-compassion is the act of choosing self-kindness over self-judgement and understanding that struggling is part of the human condition. Think of self-compassion like the best friend of progress or the cheerleader that keeps you on the path of progress. Self-compassion celebrates every win no matter how small and encourages you with uplifting self-talk when you feel like you are falling short.
Self-compassion tip: If you ever wonder whether an internal dialogue you might have with yourself is compassionate or not, ask yourself if you would say what you are thinking about yourself towards a friend. You would not tell a friend that she is a failure with no self-control or that she is the only one struggling to adhere to a consistent workout routine or mindfulness schedule… would you? If you would not say something to a dear friend, then you should not say it to yourself.
Do you struggle to practice self-compassion? Try these exercises:
The bottom line: Shame, self-loathing, and perfectionism will never inspire positive and sustainable change.
As we enter the season of New Year’s resolutions, remember that imperfections, set-backs, mistakes, and struggles are part of the human experience we all share. If you self-criticize by thinking thoughts that begin with “I should…” or “They ought to have…” then you might be struggling with cognitive distortions which will only bring about feelings of intense shame, guilt, and disappointment. Self-criticizing thoughts serve no healthy purpose and in the long-term can seriously damage your sense of well-being.
The strategy in which you pursue your mindful New Year’s resolutions is just as important if not more important than the goals themselves. Avoid unnecessary stress and resist the temptation to measure your progress against unrealistic expectations. It is not possible to immediately make life-altering changes without mistakes, setbacks, or wiggle room, so if you have a bad day please don’t give up. Being kind to yourself is so much more helpful than being hard on yourself.
Let this new year be THE year you practice self-compassion and remind yourself that sustainable change happens slowly and one step at a time.
Do you need more support?
Are you struggling with critical self-talk and negative internal dialogues with yourself? Would your mindful New Year’s resolutions benefit from support? Find a qualified therapist in our directory or join our free parent community today.
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